Parenting

My name‿ is Daniel. I was raised by parents│ who were‿ authoritarian without being‿ unkind,│ and‿ it has taken me a decade‿ of fatherhood to disentangle what their method‿ induced from what‿ it merely appeared to induce.

It produced‿ obedience,│ dependably. It produced very little^li-dle self-regulation. Rules were‿ imposed without‿ explanation,│ so I learned to comply│ while‿ observed‿ an(d) to do as‿ I pleased‿ otherwise,│ which‿ is‿ a deference‿ of form rather than‿ of substance. With my own children‿ I have‿ attempted to explain the boundaries rather than merely impose them. When my elder son broke‿ a neighbour's window,│ I did not shout:│ I accompanied (h)im to apologise‿ an(d) let (h)im settle the cos(t) from his savings,│ which he remembers three years later^la-der│ because the consequence was his rather than mine.

What concerns me more than disobedience‿ is the peer pressure‿ awaiting them‿ at secondary school,│ agains(t) which parental‿ authority is useless. I suspec(t) that parents│ who overprotec(t) their children‿ are‿ in fac(t) protecting themselves,│ an(d) that‿ a childhood devoid‿ of risk produces‿ adults│ who are not resilient. My parents thought twelve‿ old‿ enough to cross the city^ci-dy alone;│ scarcely anybody in my son's class does. If‿ autonomy is the objective,│ then the prevailing culture‿ of supervision‿ is working‿ unwittingly against‿ it,│ an(d) the premise‿ of that culture —│ that safety an(d) confidence‿ are the same thing —│ deserves rather more scrutiny than‿ it receives.